Wednesday, 6 February 2013

Day 5

I've decided that Day 5 of any cycle is the worst. Deciding this at 03:17 may have something to do with the decision. That and it's pouring with wintery, ice filled rain outside, and DS has a cold which means he wakes up a lot, and my house has a bridged damp course that needs fixing, and I've put on 3 kilos since November and that generally I'm in a rotten mood.

What makes Day 5 worse? It seems to be the pinnacle of toxicity for body and mind. Day 0 I have my chemo. Day 2 the pump comes off. Day 3 I have the bone jab (Neulasta). Day 5 I exist in a parallel universe. My mind isn't connected to me or the world around me and frankly all I want to do is curl up in a ball but instead what I do is chase my tail, wandering round the house believing that I should be doing something but not sure what, and when I do have something to do I either can't process it or it takes four times as long as it should. Which leaves way too much time for me to think random thoughts. Particularly negative at the moment are the ones about my weight. Barring pregnancy, I haven't put on more than a pound or two in years. Pre-cancer, I walked, cycled or ran everywhere I could. Now, sat at home without much energy to go out and struggling with the effects of the cold when I do, I feel like a blob. DH is reassuring that this will pass and soon treatment will be over and I can get moving again. I know he's right. I know plenty of chemo patients struggle with their weight. I know now is not the time to be worrying about this. But in a time when every other standard of my life is out the window, I need something to cling onto and I haven't found it yet. Unfortunately, I'll probably despise myself a little more until I do.

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